Where I Am Right Now

It’s 9:22 a.m., and I am trapped in an anxiety loop. The money issue is the biggest problem right now. Unless we get some serious co-pay action from DearDR’s patients in the next three days, something or someone is not going to get paid. There will be no shopping this weekend in any case. No shopping of any kind. If DearDR’s billing finally comes through, we’ll be fine. But I have no way of knowing if that check is even on the way.

I am looking at about three days of work piled up on my desk, and I cannot concentrate on any of it. All I keep seeing is the figure in my head after two big bills and the girls’ daycare places are paid off.

The figure is very low.

I don’t know how to talk to DearDR about this. He is working so hard, and such long hours between two offices, and 10 (or 12?) private patients, and a full-time job with mountains of paperwork. And it seems unfair because it sounds like: you are not doing enough to support our family. And he is, he is, it’s just the whole bill-pay timing sucks. Even with a budget it sucks. Why can’t I make this work?

I keep getting interrupted. And it’s hard to concentrate on what people are asking of me.

All I want to do is go outside and get in my car (my rental car, I might add, as I won’t actually have my car until Dec. 10; and don’t ask how I’m paying that bill, either; some parental assistance may be called for) and cry. And then drive home, curl up in a ball on my bed, and cry some more.

Is this why people take anti-anxiety medication?

It’s 10:09 a.m. now. I’m doing some deep breathing. And trying to focus on one positive thing: the kids and I will be able to decorate this weekend. It’s not as if we’re going to go out and do anything else. Shite, I can’t even pay a babysitter for Saturday night. I guess DearDR is going to have to go to that dinner party alone.

How do two professional people who work full-time — more than full-time in DearDR’s case — end up here? I never say this, but: WTF??

No Excuses

Even though what I am going to write sounds like a bunch of excuses, it’s not meant to be.

I am very frustrated by my infrequency of posting. I like to think I have people who check in here from time to time who are frustrated too. (I could be mildly delusional.)

National Blog Posting Month (NaBloPoMo, to those in the know) is looming. I want to do it; I did it last year; I have no idea if I can do it this year.

I barely get two posts a week up here. A lot has changed since I did NaBloPoMo last year — I went back to work; Monkey started school and a new daycare program; DearDR has started a private practice.

It’s all a matter of making choices. The choice of when to write, for example. The choice of what to write. I will say that lately I have been thinking less about writing about my children (whom I love and who are very entertaining) and more about writing about what I am “going through”. Not necessarily pretty stuff — kind of like this post — but stuff that right now looms larger for me than the adorable things that my kids do.

This was all brought to a bit of a head at the latest Burgh Blogging Mommy dinner. I felt very encouraged to do more as Red Pen Mama, and I know I would like to write for the Burgh Mom site some of the moms are working on.

But the big question for me is: when? The big obstacle is time.

When I get home in the evenings, I’m on my own with the girls. And I don’t have a laptop — I have to go into a separate room to write/post. DearDR works long days, seeing patients in the evenings, and often catching up on paperwork. And I’m okay with that. He does the morning routine (with help from his parents, and me packing Monkey’s lunches), and I do the evening routine. He sees private practice patients Saturday. Usually he is around Saturday evenings, sometimes Sundays (sometimes he’s doing paperwork — that damn paperwork. His gravestone is going to read, “I have paperwork to do.”).

In terms of the house, I do the lion’s share. I wish that weren’t the case; I wish DearDR chipped in more. He does big jobs (like cutting down trees), and he takes out the garbage on trash day. That’s how it breaks down at home.

I sit in front of a computer all day long. Reading, typing, editing, etc. It’s hard for me to want to do that when I get home, too.

Choosing to write and post after the kids go to bed means that something will not get done. Laundry, cleaning the kitchen, putting out clothes for the kids for the next day. Once or twice a week, that’s okay. But to post for a whole month? We’d be out of clean underwear in no time. Or overrun with mice eating the crumbs in my kitchen. I could write at work and post at home, I suppose, but I think that would be frowned upon. Plus, if I did take the time to write at work, it would mean that I was blowing off work, and we’re all busy, with a pretty big deadline on the plate (I’m mixing metaphors a bit, but I really didn’t want to use a version of “loom” again), so that would be an unpopular decision. Even if I were the only one who knew I was making the decision to write instead of, say, read my page proofs.

And, also, I like to sleep about 8 hours a night. I’m not sure how willing I am to sacrifice sleep to blog.

None of this is to conclusively say that I am not posting every day next month. I did it last year; I made it through 13 days in April. And I have lots I want to write about.

I am also not throwing myself a pity party. I am not alone in being a full-time worker and a full-time mommy, with full-time housework and full-time hopes, dreams, and aspirations that sometimes take a hit. (Housework takes a hit occasionally too.) I am pragmatic and not a perfectionist. I don’t aspire to be Super Mommy. (Just a super mommy, you know?)

And now I’ve been introduced to Plurk! How do people do all this and, like, watch TV, too?

I used to think I was an efficient, organized person — I think I was an organized, efficient person. But now I can’t find enough hours in the day. Maybe I used to sleep less, too. My memory’s fuzzy on that point (maybe I drank more). I am reluctant to let that version of myself go. But until I dig her out and get her working for me again, I hesitate to do anything as crazy as saying, “I am definitely doing NaBloPoMo!”

But I can definitely say I may do NaBloPoMo. Let’s see if I can get back up to three times a week for now. We’ll go from there.