I had to schedule this year’s visit. For the first time, I had to put it on the calendar in my phone.
We came Sunday, a day early, technically speaking. I knew if I waited, the day, the week would get away from me.
Earlier in the day, I was scheduled to be on book for a JV basketball game at our school. This is the age you would be.
In a different life, you would be one of these boys. Probably on the tall side, possibly a little awkward and uncoordinated, like I was at 12. But serious, attentive to your coaches, and wanting to play well.
Or maybe you’d be a little more like your dad, more naturally athletic, and a bit of a clown, fiercely cheerful as you dribbled down the court.
I think you would tease your sisters; I think your little brother would idolize you.
I think; I wonder; I don’t know.
And… in a way, it’s okay. We come to terms. We’ve learned so much; we’ve walked so far.
And, yet.
I put a visit in my phone, just the same. Picked up flowers. It’s not for you; I know that, I have peace in that. It’s for me; a moment I need to steal, a moment that I need to remember. That I have four children, not just three.

I am, as always, thinking of you with love today. You and Dan have walked this terrible road with grace.
Oh, Dawn, I had no idea. Sending you love. xo
Much love, Dawn.
Thanks, all.