How to Be Lazy: A Guide by RPM

You think being lazy means doing nothing, but I assure you, it takes a lot of work to be lazy.

1. Teach your children to do chores. Better yet, get your nanny to teach your children to do chores. You’ll never vacuum again!

2. Get a nanny, at least for the summer. You can ask her to do many things for you so that when you get home at night, at most you have a few dishes to rinse and put in the dishwasher. Wait, your kids are supposed to be doing that.

I regularly ask my nanny to put dinner in the slow cooker and turn it on, take my kids to lessons (violin and swimming this summer), pick stuff up at the store, bake stuff with my kids, and/or help them clean.

3. Shop online. This goes for everything from clothes to groceries. The latter you may have to drive to pick up.

4. Live next door to your in-laws. When you combine this step with the nanny and the fact that your ILs also watch your niece and nephew a few times a week, you will come home to cooked dinners and fed children who you can then send out in the yard to play while you eat and have adult conversation. Bonus: The kitchen needs very little cleaning. (I’ve mentioned this, haven’t I?)

5. If the nanny asks to take the kids to a movie (except for the 2.5-year-old), it’s okay to let her. If Bella offers to let all the kids (again, except for the 2.5-year-old) sleep over at her place, say yes. Taking care of one child (even if he is a 2.5-year-old) is easier than three or five.

Sometimes, you will have to reciprocate by taking all the children (including the 2.5-year-old) for a long walk around the neighborhood or out to ice cream. See? Being lazy: not for the faint of heart.

6. Go over to a friend’s house with similarly aged children. They will all disappear for hours. (New toys! New kids! Dogs! It’s the best.)

7. You could try having a Unisom hangover, grounding your children to their room because they *did* directly disobey you, letting them watch The Lion King on their little TV/VHS player, and waiting until your husband comes home to tuck them in. I don’t suggest this method because it involves a) a lot of yelling and b) a Unisom hangover.

(Aside: I haven’t been sleeping well. It’s not insomnia — I just keep waking up at night. Wake up, go back to sleep; wake up, go to the bathroom, go back to sleep; wake up, go back to sleep. It’s not very restful. So I thought I would try something to help me sleep all the way through. Melatonin was useless. Unisom gave me weird dreams, and I kept waking up, and I had a hangover and a bad taste in my mouth the next day. If I wanted a hangover and furry tongue, I would’ve just drank a fifth of bourbon.)

8. Have the nanny bathe the children (or let the children shower) before dinner. After all, if they’ve had swimming lessons and outdoor playtime, by 4 p.m. or so, they are dirty and stanky anyway. Except for the 2.5-year-old; you should bathe him right before bed because it’s part of his routine, and let’s face it, regardless of the fact that he is the smallest, he will also be the dirtiest and stickiest. But! He’s the smallest, so he is also easiest and quickest to bathe. Win-win!

Being lazy like this is great because you can either use all the time you’ve freed up through most of these steps to continue to be lazy, read a book, have fun times with your husband, or go to bed early. Or you can fill that time sorting through paperwork you’ve been neglecting and clothes that need to go to Goodwill. Being lazy like this during the week also frees up weekends for library visits and picnics with the kids, evenings for exercise (those long walks) and ice cream, and more quality kid time in general.

How are you lazy, and how does it benefit you?