Please, Wear Clothes That Fit

I was going to direct this toward teenage girls (based on what I saw in church yesterday), but I decided to mention guys upfront first so I am not attacked as a bitter old woman who just hates the hot young things running around in short shorts.

It is summer time, and that means the clothes are coming off. Which, fine. I don’t mind a nice piece of eye candy (see: Magic Mike with Channing Tatum).

Guys, most of you are not eye candy. I’m sorry to break it to you. At the pool side, beach, or water park, little clothing is acceptable. But if you think you’re turning on your neighbor by mowing the lawn without a shirt, I have some bad news for you. For the most part, you’ve got a beer belly and/or back hair. Your girlfriend or wife has to live with that. The rest of the world doesn’t.

Teenage girls of the world: At the risk of sounding like my own mother: are you really going out like that?

I understand the need to fit in by being fashionable and wearing the latest trends. However, you can be fashionable without having to pick your shorts out of your butt cracks or, uh, other nether crevices. Clothes that are too small and too tight ARE NOT ATTRACTIVE. Teenage boys (and some grown men) may try to convince you otherwise, but please trust me: a little mystery is attractive. A woman who can move comfortably in her clothing without picking at various parts of the fabric will get more positive attention than a chick spilling out everywhere.

Don’t get me wrong, spilling out of your top or bottom will get you attention. However, bulging out of your shorts and/or tank tops reduces you to your lumps. You are more than your lumps.

You can find short shorts that actually fit. Unless you can’t, in which case think about skirts, walking shorts, or another trend that is good for your body type. NOT EVERYONE CAN WEAR THE SAME CLOTHES and that is okay. While fitted t-shirts can look nicer than strappy tank tops, be aware of how fitted they are.

Also, learn how to buy bras that fit — adult women, you can benefit from this too. A bra that leads to bulging around the straps is too small. If, when you remove your bra at the end of the day, you have deep red grooves on your torso or your shoulders, you should think about scheduling a professional bra fitting. Your back will thank you.

Lastly: Flip-flops are not the only option for summer footwear.

Parents: Teach your children to dress. I’m not saying that kids should walk around in ankle-length skirts with high necklines, or boys should only wear khaki pants with button up shirts. Shop with them. Especially your daughters. Yes, once they are teenagers, they are going to wear what they want, and they are going to flout all your rules. But if you teach them that it’s possible to be stylish without being uncomfortable all the time, they will thank you later.

Of course, this is all coming from a 40-something who wears green or purple skinny jeans when the mood strikes. Mileage may vary.

What fashion trend do you wish would die?

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12 thoughts on “Please, Wear Clothes That Fit

  1. Oh thank you for this.

    Working at a gym I see a lot. I understand sometimes if you wear something that makes you feel sexy then you’re more likely to workout and workout hard because you want to prove yourself, but HOT DAMN PEOPLE if you’ve got a lot of weight to lose or even just lots of rolls, please plan accordingly! That doesn’t mean if you’re a barbie doll that wearing hot shorts are appropriate either. NEWS FLASH: if you are sitting on a bike in spin class I CAN SEE EVERYTHING. Shorts that are not bike shorts are not appropriate for women to wear in my classes. (Men’s shorts are generally long enough to save my eyes.)

    //rant over.

    • I saw one unfortunate teenage girl with cellulite and very short shorts on, and I wanted to take her parents aside and give them a talking to.

      And, yes, I understand, “I feel pretty wearing this” but tight, ill-fitting clothes look so painful. I can’t imagine you feel like hawt stuff if you can’t take a deep breath.

    • My friend Mike went to a gym that included a fairly attractive girl who went “commando” while working out and wore shorts that were entirely too revealing. He said that no matter how attractive she was, those thigh master machines were a bit horrifying. He wanted to virostat after she used them! Guaranteed lack of mystery there.

  2. Oh, am I laughing at this one. Of course, I immediately feel my age for laughing. I can only add…

    If you’re pockets are longer than your shorts, you need to go change.

    When did bra straps become a fashion accessory?

    Uggs in the summer.

    Knit caps in the summer.

    Mix and matching plaids and patterns that make me lose my equilibrium.

    Jorts. Just… stop.

    Guys in clogs. (But again, I’m old.)

      • Leggings as pants are definitely a no-no, and if I had seen them I probably wouldn’ve mentioned them. It was all short shorts that inspired this rant. They probably look good on one out of five girls/women (and no, at 42, I am not one of those women, either).

    • I’ve recently seen the trend of short-shorts or short skirts with cowboy-ish boots that I thought looked cute on a couple of women. Ten years ago — okay, 15 years ago, I could’ve pulled it off.

      No one should wear clogs or crocs as far as I’m concerned.

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