Decade

Writing these posts creates a lot of cognitive dissonance for me.

On one hand, I realize while writing them, how extensive grief is — MY grief, for Gabriel, is long-lasting and pervasive. Given a conversation I had with Dan earlier this week, I feel secure in saying that he feels similarly.

On the other hand, I realize that in spite of my grief, how full and blessed my life is.

Ten years ago, my life didn’t end.

Life as I knew it, sure. Life as I expected it to be, definitely.

And my husband and I went on, with giant-sized holes in our hearts, and we built — continued to build — our lives. Around that hole, in spite of that hole, and without shrinking that hole very much at all.

My evening last night revolved around two things: the white flowers I purchased for Gabriel’s grave and picking up a Rainbow Loom for my girls, who had fabulous school years and were being duly rewarded.

Today the girls and I left the flowers on Gabriel’s grave and headed out of town for the weekend to visit a friend and her daughter (and other friends). (M stayed at home with Daddy.)

Grief doesn’t end.

Grief doesn’t end our lives.

I would have realized this, about grief, sooner or later, I suppose. I sometimes wish it had been later, but then again, I don’t know what my life looks like without this grief.

Ten years. A decade.

And still the tightening of my throat, and the tears.

And still the joys and frustrations of being a parent to live, lively children.

And still.

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3 thoughts on “Decade

  1. I think you’re so strong and I really value the way you share your experiences with your grief. It’s so powerful. Thank you for putting yourself out there for and alongside all of us!

  2. I’m sorry it took me so long to finally come over here to comment. I read this post when you posted it and kept your Gabriel in my mind that day. I love this: Grief doesn’t end. Grief doesn’t end our lives. That rings very true for me right now. Hugs to you.

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