Random Thoughts: The M.I.A. Continued Edition

Do you wonder about your brain? Does that seem solipsistic? Thinking about thinking?

It seems to be what I am doing a lot of lately. The upshot is that I am trying to decide if my brain is “normal”, or if I need to seek some help.

I suppose even asking the question somewhat answers it, no?

I am — I seem to be — having troubles that can be labeled, and therefore, treated. In theory, anyway.

Depression.
Anxiety.
Obsessive thinking — oh, the obsessive thinking. It’s a little embarrassing, the way this manifests itself. Let’s just say that although I haven’t crossed over into celebrity (celebrity? HA!) stalking, it’s been a close thing.
Sexual impulsiveness. (Expression of which is strictly confined to my marriage, so no worries there.)
Focus issues.
Emotionality: short tempered, easily enraged or, conversely, weepy. Maybe this is what the decent into aging looks like from a certain perspective, i.e. hormonally. I don’t know. I’ve never been this age before.

My appetite has dropped, a clear sign of depression. And, people, not to put too fine a point on it, but I cannot afford to lose any weight.

Sleeping is a disaster. I can almost always fall asleep. I’m tired. Staying asleep is another issue entirely.

About once a month, once every six weeks, I crash and burn. I really do. I sit and do as little as possible. I think it’s a combination of exhaustion, depression, and hitting reset. I call it “getting sick”. It usually doesn’t last for more than a day.

I am unable to get things done at home. Really done. My house is an embarrassment. Now, this could very well be a time problem, as in, I don’t have a lot of it. The girls recently started soccer, and that’s two practices a week, and the games pretty much occupy our Saturday mornings. It could be an organization + time problem, as in I’m not organized enough to use the little time I have well. And it could be a focus issue. I did get some things done this weekend, but in a very haphazard manner. I changed all the sheets, and mopped the kitchen floor, I organized our billing and banking. I didn’t cook very much. And the clean laundry is still in baskets.

I am trying to take care of myself, I really am. I make myself eat regularly, and I am a healthful eater. I have been trying to focus on exercise as well, playing with the kids, walking, doing a core workout and an arm workout at least once a week. And of course I am trying to take care of the kids and not lose my patience with them too much.

I’m not sure of next steps. I lean toward talk therapy (it’s helped immensely in the past), but I’m not sure I have time for that. I’m not sure about medication because I think… well, I think what I am going through is normal. As long as I’m not in danger (or a danger), I just think I have to get through this… roller coaster.

Soccer is finite.
The work project that has me locked down is finite.
Summer is coming, and summer means the nanny, and less housework for me. (She’s a slave driver. I love her.)
I have time scheduled for myself (a spa day, a vacation at the beginning of May).
Dan and I are communicating fairly well.

I guess the question that remains is that after these external factors have reached their ends, what the internal landscape looks like.

And go from there.

Incidentally, this blog is standing in for talk therapy at this time, so if you feel the need to weigh in, please do so. Be gentle. I haven’t engaged well here lately. Maybe I need to get back to that as well.

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13 thoughts on “Random Thoughts: The M.I.A. Continued Edition

  1. Just a thought- are your periods normal? Could be a hormonal thing? Your house is not going to get cleaner anytime soon, as now it’s nice out & you will be out watching the kids. My house is always a disaster in the spring/summer. The nonsleeping/noneating thing is what worries me the most. What does Dan think, seeing as he’s the professional, and more importantly, the closest to you?

    • My periods are normal, as in they come the same time every month (30-day cycle). My PMS/hormones are way worse since having children/turning 40/some unholy combination of the two.

      And, yes, the lower appetite, bad sleeping is what’s worrying me too.

  2. I am not sure what to say other than I could have written this post myself. I had almost the exact some conversation with my husband this morning. Honestly, the time thing is what has me.

  3. Dawn, you were incredibly supportive of me when I was falling apart at the seams and I am so grateful.

    This post really resonated with me because this was a lot of how I felt before I went on Zoloft. I thought “oh I’m just disorganized, other people are so much better at the parenting/housekeeping thing.” But the loss of weight and appetite, the anger and irritability – that was me through and through (well, except I didn’t lose my appetite, I ate the entire contents of my pantry). It worried me when I saw you last week because you looked SO THIN.

    I think you need help and if that’s therapy, make the time. If that’s medication – DO IT. You know I was kind of resistant to the idea. Now that I’m on the other side of it, I wish wish wish I had done it sooner. I haven’t felt this good in YEARS. I have been more patient with the kids, better organized at home, the motivation fairy has visited me and you know the results. I never, in a million years, expected that to happen. I know our situations are different because I stay home and you work full time but still. I really can’t describe what an enormous shift it’s been.

    Also, I spent a lot of time thinking “Just get through this or that and then it will get better. Wait until x time and you can to a,b, and c.” or “I just need some me time; some time away.” So I would wait and then I would never get to the better, never get to the doing of things, getting away didn’t help. Which made me feel that much worse about myself. It’s a vicious cycle.

    If any of this resonates with you, please see a doctor. Please get help. I guarantee you won’t regret it. Going on medication was the best thing I have done for me and for my family in YEARS.

    If you want to talk more, call, text, or email. I’m here if you need me, friend.

  4. Ditto everything Cari said. I have been having some of the moments you are talking about. But if you dont get enough sleep and dont eat nothing is going to get better and you will not feel better no matter how hard you try. Medication can help with those things. And you dont have to take it forever. But you do need to act soon so you dont crash and burn in a bad way. Talk therapy is a great idea too, especially if it has helped in the past. But first things first are sleeping and eating. Then you can work from there. Call your doctor tomorrow. Meds will help. There is no reason to make things harder on yourself. You need to take care of yourself and part of that is knowing when to get help. Get yourself some help, my friend. I love you. It doesnt have to be so hard.

  5. I’m sorry I can’t be there to help. I have a therapist I talk to about once a month; more when things get tough. I think most therapists should have one; its too easy to lose yourself in the pain of others and start to believe your responsible to fix things for the client instead of opening possibilities for them. I am glad you’re trying to take care of yourself in other ways because it will help. When I have gotten into these periods ( sometime I’ll tell you about my time with the Stepdaughter From Hell) therapy helped. Mother Theresa once said that she knew God wouldn’t give her more than she could handle; she just wished He didn’t trust her so much. If a saint can doubt, and feel at the end of her rope, then I figure I am in good company. My prayers are with you.

    • Thank you, Shawna. I have a very good support system around me, and I do think it’s time to add therapy back into the mix for me. I’m not opposed to medication, either, but I need to talk about these things first! And as wonderful as Dan is, I probably need a more objective psychological opinion! šŸ˜‰

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