Square One

I start off weekends with a lot of hopes and dreams.

For example:

I will finally get the girls’ fall clothes/next size clothes out and into their drawers.
I will put summer clothes away.
I will cull clothes for handing down and donating.
I will get the kitchen wall organized for the girls’ school calendars, including hooks for their backpacks.
I will decorate for fall/Halloween.

And so on.

By Sunday evening, I am utterly dispirited. Laundry has gotten done, and often I have managed to grocery shop, but other than that, I am no further ahead. Disorder reigns.

This weekend, I managed to cook a couple of meals, enough for meals through the week even (minestrone soup and veggie chili).

The upstairs is still a mess: no clothes have been sorted, culled, stored, or brought out of storage. Plus, the bathroom needs to be cleaned, as per usual. And sheets need to be changed, of course. We’re about a week behind on that. (I know: Ew.)

The paperwork that was on the kitchen table has simply been relocated. The kitchen floor has not been mopped. (I did manage to sweep.)

The only fall decorations are the “leaves” that Flora cut out of colored paper and taped on the window. There are four of them.

Kate was in rare form this weekend. She joined me in bed three early mornings in a row (usually between 2 and 5 a.m., and she kicked the crap out of my kidneys). She was HYPED UP. The girl could not sit still or keep her hands (or body) to herself. And she capped it off by pooping in her pants Sunday afternoon.

Dan and I did not get any time to ourselves together.

This Sunday, I added to the fun by having yet another meltdown, this time at my in-laws house, and pretty much over the fact that no one (in my family) listens to me. Not my 5-year-old, and certainly not my 3-year-old, and even sometimes my 41-year-old, who hears me, but sometimes decides he’s going to do whatever it is “later”.

I found myself on my couch, crying, and wishing for one day, one 24-hour period, to be by myself. (I think this is the root of my problem lately. That and being 30 weeks pregnant and hormonal and tired.)

And, that, ladies and gents, is really what I want. I want Dan to take the kids for a day, and leave me at home by myself. I know that 24-hours is probably too long to hope for, but 8 hours? Four hours? That seems reasonable (to me). (Note, for the benefit of my husband: he worked seven days this week, including two marathon billing sessions. And had a friend in visiting from Seattle. Which means I was POD for most of the weekend, but money will be coming in from his private practice. And it’s always good to see J.)

I have also reconciled myself to the fact that I am always going to be tired because I am not getting enough sleep. My days of “enough sleep” are over. Done. Kaput.

I know, it took me a whole five years to figure this out. I’m brilliant.

Also, I’m so tired, that I don’t remember if I came to this conclusion last night (folding laundry and discovering that our DVD player bit the dust — right in the middle of our Season 1 True Blood viewing); this morning at 5:14 a.m. (when Kate came to my bed); or this morning around 6:30 a.m. in the shower.

Which basically means that even with four or eight (or, dream on, 24) hours wholly to myself, I would probably still not get anything done. Because I would be asleep.

6 thoughts on “Square One

  1. I share your dreams, every weekend. And I am not pregnant, and generally manage to prioritize sleep above all things. The house is messy, the laundry well distributed through the house, and the sorting undone.
    I’m hoping this week you get a) uninterupted catch-up sleep time AND b) consecutive hours of uninterrupted you time.
    It is well deserved, and an investment for your family.
    Good luck.

  2. At what point did you think you should — or could — do it all? There is not a chance in hell that you could get everything you listed done in one weekend with your husband otherwise occupied and both your children home even if you weren’t 30 weeks pregnant.

    Next weekend, other than keeping your girls safe (in whatever form that entails, food included) you are forbidden from doing anything that won’t give you relaxation and pleasure. Screw the mess. You need a nap? Take one. No one to watch the girls? Then skip the nap and go see a movie with the girls (Legend of the Guardians is quite acceptable for the under 5 set AND you may sneak in a snooze in the darkened theater). Eat fast food and make Fall decorations. If you even look at the laundry I am flying in from Cali and kicking your pregnant butt.

    I absolve you from all guilt.

    • The problem is that I think if I am home, I should be able to do something something above and beyond what I usually do. Get the clothes sorted, for instance. What I forget is that my children don’t even really let me sit down for 5 whole minutes let alone spend 1/2 an hour quietly sorting clothes. (BTW, I do make them leave me alone for the sitting down thing. I have pointed out to my almost-6yo many times in the past few weeks that her legs work just fine and she can get her own juice box/crayons/shoes.)

      And it’s not guilt, exactly. I want my house to look different. Cleaner, nicer, more organized. I really do. I think it should be within my reach and it’s not. I’m having a hard time accepting that.

  3. I too, share your dreams, but I must second N…screw the mess…take a nap. But I understand the want the home to look different. Last time I was at my sister’s Erie apartment (which is spotless and beautifully decorated) I told her I wanted a key so I could come over BY MYSELF and sit in a space for while that is clean and uncluttered. My dining room table has been buried for weeks. the only time it gets cleaned off is when we have company…in -laws next week! Guess what I am doing this weekend! Not napping, I tell you!

    I am feeling the need for a few hours alone as well. The only time I seem to get any is when I stay up later than everyone else. but then I lose out on the sleep thing. speaking of, have you ever considered melatonin for Kate?

    You and I need to schedule a spa day…massage, pedicure, the works!

    • I want a key to your sister’s apartment, too!

      Dan mentions melatonin all the time for the girls. Has he picked any up yet? No. I’m not sure how much I would give to them? Start small and work up, I guess? Where would he get some?

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