After weeks of struggling, last night, the anxiety got the best of me.
Maybe it was the three-day weekend, the feeling that I had done a lot without getting enough rest, the worry about how my activity is impacting Le Bud (if at all at this point).
I was lying in bed at 10’o clock, worried that I hadn’t felt Le Bud move in a while. Now, at 18 weeks, feeling the baby move is not a given. I had been feeling little random bumps since week 16, but I’m still 2 weeks away from feeling baby move consistently.
I know this; I knew it last night, and I still pretty much freaked myself out.
After 20 minutes of debate with myself, I went down and shared my fears with Dan, and then collapsed in a sobbing heap of helplessness on the couch.
I didn’t want to worry him, but I was driving myself crazy. I couldn’t sleep, and knew I wouldn’t sleep until I got some kind of reassurance.
Dan called the midwife on call, and talked to her when she called back.
I spent the next few hours second-guessing as to whether those random bumps I felt after downing some lemonade and a chocolate chip cookie were movement from Le Bud or wishful thinking or just gas.
And then today, we heard his/her heartbeat, and everything was okay again.
But I can’t do this for the next 20-some weeks.
The ironic thing is that finding time or ways to relieve my anxiety at this point are, in themselves, stressful. Schedule a massage — of course, that’s a great idea. And then I have to find a babysitter, and drive all over creation, and make sure I can actually afford such a thing. Get some talk therapy — again, brilliant and I need it. But then it’s more than an hour away from my desk during the day, or if I find an after 5-p.m. time, then someone has to pick up & take care of my kids in the evening.
Although technically medication is an option, both Dan and I are leery of such a step. I mean, Dan went so far as to say, “I’d rather you had a drink than take anti-anxiety meds.” (I’m not going to drink, either, though.)
Deep breathing and prayer got me to 18 weeks. But I need something else to get me to baby-time.
I wonder how much one of those home doppler heartbeat monitors is going for these days.
Red Pen Mama 
I’m sorry you are feeling so anxious. I don’t recommend the home doppler though. I’ve heard they can be difficult to use, and I’d worry that if you couldn’t find the heartbeat do to user error it would just add to your anxiety.
And I agree with Dan. A glass of wine over anti-anxiety meds anyday.
I hope you can find a way to relax. It’s good for you and Bud. Here’s hoping that someone closer than 10 hours away sees this and offer to take your kids so you can get a massage or therapy or whatever you want.
*hug*
Thanks for the hugs. Even from 10 hours away, they help!
oh HUGS.
I rented a doppler from some website when I was pregnant with Maggie. I think it was like $40 for three months or something? Not too bad. Except I sucked at using it, I could never find the heartbeat anyway and that stressed me out too.
Yes, a glass of wine is better than drugs- fine for baby and antioxidants! 🙂 Hang in there, girl.
Oh, yeah, my midwife said it was a bad idea for the exact same reasons. I know I can make it; I’ll sample a little wine in the third trimester. 🙂
I am SO sorry this is stressing you out so much. I’m torn between just telling you I care and telling you how I deal with the utter panic of the future (mine has been much less about babies, God decided one try was all I got) . I’ve never been good with the alcohol, but I do two things; recite prayers over and over until I can think a little, and then remind myself that no worrying in the world is going to change the future, but it will certainly ruin my present. And then get up and do something I enjoy. When my joint replacement refused to hold I made so many pans of brownies I had taste tests in the neighborhood. I have now found the perfect brownie recipe and I suppose the moral of the story is “I was still worried, but at least there was chocolate”.
You and Dan and the girls and Bud are always in my prayers, and his/her quilt starts in two weeks. Hug Daniel for me.
Oh, shawna, it always helps to hear good advice. Don’t be shy. Besides, I like the moral: I was still worried, but at least there was chocolate. That’s a good one!
Prayer repetition usually helps me, too, especially when I am trying to fall asleep (I say the rosary), but lately it hasn’t been enough. Dan and I are looking for something else to help me get over this hump. He has a good perspective, which I am also trying to focus on: These worries are finite. After another 20-some weeks, I won’t be worried about this either. I’ll just be sleep deprived!
You are sweet to do a quilt. We find out if Bud is a her or a him in about two weeks, too, but I think we’ll still stick with a nice gender neutral Noah’s ark theme. I will give Dan a hug for you.
Hey girl,
I emailed my ex-sister in law, who is a genuinely amazing person and has done a lot of babysitting in her spare time. Daniel has met her before, a long time ago, he may not remember. She also had a number of difficult pregnancies and knows how hard it can be in the midst (poor thing couldn’t even leave the first floor of the house for 6 months until her baby came). She is willing to babysit occasionally and talk any time that you need (she’s such a good support that even though her brother and I have been divorced since ’97 we’re still close). I am emailing you her name and address on Facebook – I hope that helps a little.
Take care,
Shawna
You are precious. Thank you.
I had very similar anxiety during my last pregnancy. I felt great after my doctor’s appointments and then I slowly unraveled. I recommend yoga and a relaxation/meditation type tape.
I am going to look into prenatal yoga, and see what works for my schedule. my husband has some meditation-type soundtracks. Sometimes they really annoy me, but I’m trying to get past that. 🙂 They totally chill out my kids, so I know they work! Thanks so much for the suggestions.
I can’t offer any advice that hasn’t already been offered. I’ve found that a half a glass of wine has been tremendously helpful here and there.
Yup. I’m about ready for that. A nice chilled white sounds loverly.
BIG HUGS! and it is so important to make time for yourself, whatever it may be…yoga, massage, talk therapy…all of which I have found helpful, pregnant and not. I am sure Dan will help you figure out a schedule if you decide what/when you want to do. You are not alone in this, remember. I can totally identify with your sense of being overwhelmed just thinking about trying to schedule ONE MORE THING…but YOU CAN DO IT 🙂 You MUST take care of yourself…who was it that mentioned the airplane oxygen mask…please secure your own before assisting others, or something like that. Wise words.
MORE HUGS! Much love to you. Call me if you need to talk ANYTIME. Seriously. My home number. The phone is right next to my side of the bed.
Try to stay in the present as much as possible; it was the only way i survived being pregnant while my mom was so sick. Hour by hour, minute by minute, breath by breath.