Anxiety at Bay. Kind of.

When I was pregnant with Gabriel, a lot of people I knew were pregnant.

Both of my sisters-in-law, two close friends, and then, of course, all the people we met through our birthing classes, some women I met online at a TTC site, etc.

Here I am, I am pregnant again eight years later, and a lot of people I know are pregnant.

Now obviously the population in my daughters’ daycare and pre-school classrooms indicate that there were plenty of pregnant women running (or waddling) around five- and three-plus years ago.

But I didn’t know any of those moms (at the time). One of my SILs was pregnant again, too, when I was pregnant with Kate. That caused me some (extra) anxiety, but everything turned out just fine (her son was born two months after Kate).

Here I am again, trying not to dwell.

It doesn’t mean anything, of course, the number of pregnant women I know personally. Most of them are due in August and September; my coworker gave birth in May; and Stacia gave birth on Mother’s Day; one is due in December (which, technically, I am too); one in January (both Jan. 6 — Kate’s bday — and Jan. 31 — my bday — are lovely days to give birth, Lushie).

And that’s what I keep telling myself.

It doesn’t mean anything. To me. To us. It’s all happy coincidence.

Happy. I want everything to go well for everyone. Everything IS going well, yes?

As you can imagine, the anxious part of me is not wholly convinced.

As an example, I spend time trying not to overthink stupid things. Like being on Twitter yesterday, where many of my tweeps are talking about having their second babies, and there are a lot with a boy having another boy and those with a girl having another girl.

And someone tweets, “I just can’t figure out how most of you arranged to be due at the same time, and with matched sets.”

And someone tweets back, “We’ll have to see what @redpenmama is having to make it official.”

And I tweet, “I already have a matched set!”

And the rest of the night (and STILL) I wish I had added something else. Something like, “Three of a kind beats a pair! :-)” or “We will happily accept a one-off.”

Because I’ve got a paranoid streak. A paranoid streak that insists that the fates are listening, and I can be punished for stupid remarks like that.

And maybe I should be getting some counseling (oh, the irony) or look into pregnancy-safe anti-anxiety drugs.

And this is where prayer comes in. Prayer and deep breathing. And if you felt like kicking in a little of the former, it sure would help a mama out.

9 thoughts on “Anxiety at Bay. Kind of.

  1. So you’re saying there’s a Baby-Mojo at work?

    Hmmm… I know there is plenty of football and hockey mojo, but I have doubts about babyhood. Maybe if you wore a particular outfit on particular days, you could overcome the outside influences. =o)#

  2. I had a miscarriage last summer. It was early enough into the pregnancy that we did not know the sex of the baby, but it was still heartbreaking, particularly since it had taken so long to get pregnant. Also it has made my current, by all counts healthy, pregnancy anxiety-ridden. The anxiety lessened a bit once I could feel the baby moving regularly, but I still have my moments of really just crippling, irrational anxiety. It definitely helps to talk to other moms and to hear their stories. But what helps me the most is to forcefully stop thinking about what has happened or what might happen and just focus on what is happening. Because what is happening right now is fantastic and I don’t want to forget it.

    • D,

      Thank you for sharing. It DOES help knowing that I am not alone. Of course, I’m terribly sorry for your loss, and I’m sorry you’re going through similar things as I. I remind myself how wonderful and miraculous pregnancy and having children is, and I am focusing very much on the “end result”, as it were. I feel occasional bumps from Le Bun, and I am looking forward to feeling him/her move all the time. I know that will help ease the anxiety, too.

      And you’re absolutely right: What is happening right now IS fantastic. I don’t want to forget it either!

  3. Hugs to you!!! I know how you feel (kinda). You are not going to be punished for your twitter comment 🙂 Try not to worry (easier said than done). We will keep praying for you and your family and I know everything is going to work out for the best. Hang in there and just breathe.

    I give you this advice knowing if I were you I would be the same way, but I do know being anxiety ridden all the time isn’t good. But try to enjoy every step.

  4. I want to say something comforting, but I’m not quite sure what that is. Except that I love you, and think of you often, and wish all of you well.

  5. I had terrible anxiety with my third, and I would preface every comment about the baby by saying, “If all goes well …” or “If everything goes like it should …” I was terrified of the fates, too. So, I understand and empathize and am sending my own prayers to the Fates for you and Bud.

  6. Dawn,
    I really feel I have missed out on so much moving away. I hate that I don’t know your children or get to share in your life, your joys and your sorrows. All I can offer now is my love and so much prayer God will certainly hear and take notice. You and your family are so often in my thoughts and always in my prayers. I will make sure to say a few extra for your baby and a few extra for you for God to put your fears to rest. You need to stay positive and put your fears in His hands. Ask Him to carry this load (of worry and fear) for you so you can stay strong. In the words of Carrie Underwood, “Jesus take the wheel”. Try some self hypnosis, it really works and I have heard but never tried Baby Yoga. It is suppose to be very relaxing. I have dealt with anxiety and panic attacks since I was 18 and self hypnosis is what worked for me. I wish you the very best!! Love, your cuz, Tracy

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