We didn’t hear Bud’s heartbeat today. Which, while supremely disappointing, is no cause for worry.

No, really.

The midwife visit went great. The midwife (KP) was very direct in addressing our understandable anxieties for this pregnancy given my wonderful history. She could see that not hearing the heartbeat was a real letdown.

However, everything else is well. (TMI alert:) My uterus is measuring 10 weeks; there’s no cramping or bleeding. And, again, all signs point to normal singleton pregnancy. My 40 week due date is Dec. 10 — which we all know I won’t go that long. Think: Thanksgiving baby!

Plus, we are going to consult with the perinatologist that we have seen with my other pregnancies, and have a dating ultrasound (which probably sounds more romantic than it is) next week.

Both KP and Dan checked in with me at the end of the appointment to see that I was okay. (I hope Dan is okay, too. Babe?) And I just have to take deep breaths, and pray, and know what I know.

When I got back into my car, my iPod was cued up to “Either Way” by Wilco. And if that’s not a direct message of “chill out,” I don’t know what is.

Maybe the sun will shine today.
The clouds will blow away.
Maybe I won’t feel so afraid.
I will try to understand
Either way.