Intangible

Pregnancy is full of little limbos.

For example, although the messages from my body are overwhelmingly full of “you are pregnant” information, and I peed on those two sticks that both said, “Yup. You’re knocked up” the reality of this pregnancy is still… elusive.

And that’s why I am looking forward to my first midwife appointment tomorrow. It’s the last thing they do, but it’s all I’ve been thinking about.

The heartbeat. Bud’s heartbeat.

I need to hear it; need to know that what I have been saying (based on the information I have to hand, including the fact that most of my pants don’t fit) is true. Is real. Tiny and growing.

This pregnancy is worrying to me for a lot of reasons, and I’ll get to those later. I’ve been hesitating over writing about them, primarily because my dad reads my blog, and if he knows I am worried, I worry that he will worry.

But hearing Bud’s heartbeat will comfort me. Maybe for an hour, or a day, or until my next appointment. Will take those worries and put them in perspective. This ride isn’t, after all, in my control for the most part. And the sound of Bud’s heart will remind of that but also tell me that it’s okay. That things will continue. That care of myself and faith will carry me, carry all of us.

Isn’t that something? That a small sound can do so much?

8 thoughts on “Intangible

  1. I was the same way. The heartbeat and later the ultrasounds helped convince me it was true. My favorite though was when the kicking started. (We were at a production of “The Brothers Karamazov” at Looking Glass Theater.) I know some women find the kicking annoying, but I loved it because it was a constant reminder of my baby.

    In the meantime, know that the sticks are pretty reliable. I’m very excited for you.

    • Oh, I love the kicking, too actually. Except for when the baby is using my bladder for a trampoline. That’s what I’m looking forward to next; feeling Bud move. And the ultrasound, of course!

      We’re excited, too.

  2. That sound is very reassuring. With my son I has so many issues and spent a month in the hospital. When I got to hear his heartbeat , it helped calm me. I was a wreck being there with two other children at home under the age of 5. But man that tiny sound made it all worth while.

      • He is 12 now. Seems like forever ago that we were afraid that he was not going to make it.

  3. oh you are not alone. I’m feeling kicks all the time and have heard (and seen!) that heartbeat several times, but still… there is always worry. Guess it comes with the territory. I hope tomorrow gives you some relief šŸ™‚ šŸ™‚ šŸ™‚ That sound is the best.

    • And, boo. we couldn’t hear it. oh, well, I’m only 10 weeks along, and we go for our early u/s next week. Something to look forward to. I can’t wait to feel kicks!

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