Change I Can (Barely) Live With

It has been one week since I smoked a cigarette.

And I don’t like it. Not one little bit.

I don’t feel virtuous. Or triumphant.

I think about that cigarette — that once-a-night cigarette I used to have, that I haven’t had for one week — all the time.

I don’t want to quit smoking. I know I should quit smoking. But I don’t want to.

I’m not even going to say, “I quit smoking.”

I just haven’t smoked in one week. I haven’t bought a pack of cigarettes in one week. I haven’t huddled outside in the cold after the kids are in bed and my “chores” are done to have one cigarette. For one whole week. Seven days.

I am tense and irritable. Cranky as all get-out. I miss my cigarette. I crave it all the time. I think about it all the time. And I think about how I am not going to smoke it. Not tonight, at any rate. I think that every day.

It was my one treat, my one bad-for-me habit. And, to a certain extent, it was that one left-over thing about the single woman I used to be.

It was, ironically, the one thing I clung to in the time-for-me part of my night. The worst thing I could cling to, granted, but that monkey nicotine… Well, it was my monkey.

One week.

Let’s go for two. What do you say?

7 thoughts on “Change I Can (Barely) Live With

  1. oh hang in there girl! Maybe you should replace your nightly cigarette with something else just for you. Not sure what… some kind of treat that makes you feel like it’s just for YOU.

  2. I say, “YAY!!!!” Take it a day at a time and you WILL start to feel triumphant before long. You should be proud of yourself. A week might not seem like much, but it is.

  3. I am proud of you…keep it up! The hardest part is not WANTING it anymore. How about some chocolate (just a little) to replace the cigarette? Or a cup of really amazing hot cocoa, or tea…and that you can enjoy inside, curled up with a great novel! for a half hour or hour, instead of 5 minutes in the cold!

    You can do this! Cigarettes suck!

  4. I’m sure everyone gives you advice on this topic, but you might find some relief through hypnosis. My husband smoked 1/2 a pack to a pack a day for 11 years and after his hypnosis class, he never touched another one. Not sure what kind of health insurance you have, but yours might offer complementary / reduced cost hypnosis for smoking cessation.

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