For the Benefit of Mr. P

Sorry, it’s a reference to my Dad, and a Beatles song. Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Heart Club Band album. I grew up listening to it.

First of all, thanks to everyone who came out and supported me those last two posts. That’s one of the reasons I do this blog thing (can I confess: I hate “blog” — can we come up with something better? I know online journal is long, but “blog”… it just doesn’t sound pretty). The community is awesome.

Second: Dad, to address some of your concerns: DearDR and I have talked, we do talk, and as much as I plan and budget and so on it seems there is one week that I still feel short. I am hoping as DearDR gets more patients and gets into the billing cycle habit, that will stop happening. But yesterday was that day, and I had a doozy of a bad dream last night, and I was venting. It’s what I do. That is the other purpose this forum serves for me. I hope you understand that. Acutally based on our conversation, I know you understand that.

I do think financial anxiety is the worst. And in our case, at least lately (and I’m hoping into the future), it’s mis-placed anxiety. We aren’t going hungry; we are not in foreclosure; we’re fine. I just panic. I don’t know what that is.

I think the other sucky thing about financial anxiety is it can really wear at a relationship. When things get tight, it’s so easy (and tempting) to blame someone: why did you freelance all those years; why did you stay home; why did it take you so long to get your license. It’s unfair, and it’s insidious. And I’m pretty sure DearDR and I are above such things. Although I feel guilty about some decisions I have made regarding work and money, DearDR has never blamed me for them, or said they were the wrong decisions. I hope I have been able to be as kind to him.

I went back and fourth yesterday about posting about my anxiety attack. In the end, I decided this online journal I keep is for me. I started out thinking I would “just” be a mommy-blogger, and write about my children. But then I realized I need a place to write about the things that bother me or things that are on my mind. Like anxiety and debt and hormones and smoking. So many fun subjects!

But I feel better when I write about it and post it. It helps me process what I am going through. It keeps me grounded. And hearing from all of you helps too. It helps to know I’m not alone.

My stress levels are approaching normal today. DearDR and I had a good talk about money and about my anxiety. He suggested that when I get anxious, I say a rosary. I think it’s a good idea, and I’m going to try it. It’s not just the act of prayer, but it’s such a soothing meditation. I think the combination will help derail the anxiety train.

Thanks for all the virtual love, internets. And thanks for the phone calls from those who wanted me to hear their voices. Today will be a better day.

5 thoughts on “For the Benefit of Mr. P

  1. So glad you are doing better…I have been there, too…I totally understand getting stuck in that loop.

    hmmm…..maybe I’ll start saying the rosary, too. God knows I have plenty of reasons too.

    Take care!

  2. I have moments of the same sort of panic and disbelief that two professionals still, at times, struggle to make ends meet. It just seems like we should be WAY more comfortable than we are. And you’re right, it can absolutely eat at a relationship.

    Hope things get better soon!

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