Where I Am Right Now

It’s 9:22 a.m., and I am trapped in an anxiety loop. The money issue is the biggest problem right now. Unless we get some serious co-pay action from DearDR’s patients in the next three days, something or someone is not going to get paid. There will be no shopping this weekend in any case. No shopping of any kind. If DearDR’s billing finally comes through, we’ll be fine. But I have no way of knowing if that check is even on the way.

I am looking at about three days of work piled up on my desk, and I cannot concentrate on any of it. All I keep seeing is the figure in my head after two big bills and the girls’ daycare places are paid off.

The figure is very low.

I don’t know how to talk to DearDR about this. He is working so hard, and such long hours between two offices, and 10 (or 12?) private patients, and a full-time job with mountains of paperwork. And it seems unfair because it sounds like: you are not doing enough to support our family. And he is, he is, it’s just the whole bill-pay timing sucks. Even with a budget it sucks. Why can’t I make this work?

I keep getting interrupted. And it’s hard to concentrate on what people are asking of me.

All I want to do is go outside and get in my car (my rental car, I might add, as I won’t actually have my car until Dec. 10; and don’t ask how I’m paying that bill, either; some parental assistance may be called for) and cry. And then drive home, curl up in a ball on my bed, and cry some more.

Is this why people take anti-anxiety medication?

It’s 10:09 a.m. now. I’m doing some deep breathing. And trying to focus on one positive thing: the kids and I will be able to decorate this weekend. It’s not as if we’re going to go out and do anything else. Shite, I can’t even pay a babysitter for Saturday night. I guess DearDR is going to have to go to that dinner party alone.

How do two professional people who work full-time — more than full-time in DearDR’s case — end up here? I never say this, but: WTF??

8 thoughts on “Where I Am Right Now

  1. I’m in the same boat – bills are looming, car and house repairs keep popping up, and I haven’t bought a single Christmas gift. I should have my bonus on the 15th and I will be doing it all that day. The thing that I am stressed about is that we were told that they would be smaller this year. So, depending on how much smaller, I could be screwed.

  2. I’m sorry – money anxiety is the all-time worst kind, I think. Fingers crossed that it works out w/the co-pays coming in on time and that you are able to relax a little bit. In the meantime, I offer you a big virtual cocktail…

  3. First, good on the breathing. Very important.
    Second, skip the virtual cocktail (rock on Jennifer C!) and have a real one.
    Third, expect a phone call from me. We’ll go outside together for a smoke.
    Fourth, hang in there, friend.

  4. yes, yes, I second N (Hi N!) keep on with the breathing…
    this too, shall pass…(repeat to self while deep breathing)

    question…can paying one of the big bills (not daycare, obviously) be postponed a week or two? usually there is a grace period, or, at least there is no negative impact on credit until it is 30 days late. Believe, me, I have paid PLENTY of bills late…you have to eat first!

    talk to dearDR…you shouldn’t be in this alone…he may know of a solution that you are not aware of…
    you can always call me, too! Take care!

  5. […] I have been facing my own little stressors about Christmas of course. My house has no lights on it; we don’t have a tree yet; I still have gift shopping to do and parties to attend and cookies to bake. My front door wreath is still sitting in my hallway, because I haven’t actually found a way to hang it on the door. (The hook we have there is too small. DearDR usually does this complicated thread pulley system, but there must be a better way.) We are having a cash-only Christmas this year, and we all know how I feel about my budget and money. […]

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