Not So Much

I wasn’t even going to write a post today. I have been going back and forth about writing this one, the one you are about to read. (Unless you change your mind right now.)

See, it’s my birthday today.

And in many years past, I have liked my birthday. I have loved my birthday. At one point in high school, someone dubbed it “The Day of Dawn” and it stuck. I have certainly had better luck than some people.

On my birthday, I would treat myself very special. I would take the day off of work (if I were working); I would go to a museum, treat myself to lunch, write. One of the best, more recent birthdays, I did a poetry reading that I organized with several other women, Pittsburgh poets I admired. That was a good one.

But the past four or five birthdays, they haven’t been so hot. Last year doesn’t really count; I had a 3-week-old infant. My present to myself was this here blog. Boy, that first entry was rough.

This year’s birthday, though, looks like a new low.

I am sitting in my office at 1 a.m. I cannot sleep. I just got offered a job, a job I should take solely for financial reasons, and I am assailed with doubts and depression. Not about the job, per se; the job will be fine. I just have to show up.

It’s the not-job stuff that has me anxious and up at 1 a.m. That and the fact that DearDR and I… I don’t know if you can call it a fight. But it was certainly a conversation that made rest, sleep that is, next to impossible. For me, at any rate.

See, I was explaining how hard things were going to be around here (the homefront) with me working full time. And while I know he, too, works full (more than) time, he was, at the least, going to have to take the girls to daycare. Which is going to require some new habits for him. But, to be honest, we are both going to have to develop new habits, more disciplined habits, in order to survive and become stronger.

Anyway, it’s 1 a.m., and I have been crying on the couch. Because the talking didn’t go so well tonight, and DearDR said some things that really hurt me. And because DearDR is a last-minute type of person, I know he doesn’t have a little gift or even a card to give me later today to soften the blow.

We’re broke anyway, another birthday theme for the past few years, so I don’t know what I could expect in any case.

And while I entertained the thought of taking the girls to the Children’s Museum on this day of me, the reality is I have to go grocery shopping. So that’s what I’m doing later.

That and accepting the job.

I’m not so sure about sleeping, though. That may be a long time coming.

Happy freakin’ birthday to me.

6 thoughts on “Not So Much

  1. *Hug*

    I order you to have a happy birthday, darn it! OK, so the fight thing sucks, not getting sleep sucks, and husbands (on occassion) suck, but you have SO MUCH going right as of late. Once you get through the adjustment phase, working is going to be hugely rewarding. And if not? You just quit. You already know you can get by without working, albeit it on a tight budget.

    Happy birthday to you!
    Happy birthday to you!
    Happy birthday dear rpm!
    Happy birthday to you!

  2. I hope you have a happy birthday!! I’m sorry it started out poorly but hopefully it will turn out better. I suggest finding your most favorite dessert at the grocery store or bakery and indulge.

  3. Hopefully, in the hours since you wrote this, you got some sleep and had a superfantastic Day of Dawn. I wish I was in the Burgh and could take you to Dee’s for a beer. Wouldn’t that be fun?

    Change is always hard, but you are taking this job for the greater good. Who actually WANTS to work outside of the home 5 days a week AND continue the full-time job of raising a family?! Ummm, no one probably. We do what we have to do for financial,professional and personal fulfillment.

    It will work itself out, but I would suggest some “fire drills” before your first day. Corey and I actually did that when I went back to work and was facing a 75 minute commute and having to drop the girls off before getting to King of Prussia. Now the routine is pretty much pat–I get the girls ready in the morning (we make their meals for daycare the night before and even put them in the car if it is cold enough. The girls and I leave the house at 6:15so I can get the dropped off and situated at daycare between 6:30-6:45. Corey picks them up at night and fixes their dinnes and gets their baths ready before I get home. I am usually home between 6:00 and 6:15. It is hectic but it works.

    Enough about that–Happy Birthday to YOU!!!!!!

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