These ‘Rhoids are Getting Me Down

(This is a TMI post. This may even be an MTMI [Much Too Much Information] post. But I know a lot of you moms out there have to deal with this — or rather, these — and often we have to deal with it, or them, directly because of our pregnancies and labors. I am hoping to deal with this subject in a humorous way, but it may simply be gross or — dare I say — asinine.) You have been warned.

I have hemorrhoids. Now.

I did not have this problem before my children. I did not suffer constipation or anal fissures or the dreaded and very painful hemorrhoids before I got pregnant.

I don’t know what to do about my hemorrhoids except to wish they would go away. I have a book about nutritional healing that suggests foods high in fiber and lots of liquids (especially water) to prevent or help clear up hemorrhoids.

I am a vegetarian. I eat whole grains, fruits and vegetables. Well, and cheese. I drink so much water, it’s a wonder my back teeth aren’t actually floating. I mean, we’re talking about a gallon or so or water daily. My pee is clear.

And still I am afflicted. They hurt. They bleed. My daily BM is, literally, a crapshoot: will it hurt today? Do I need the Tucks?

Monkey was delivered after three hours of pushing. She came out “sunny-side up”, that is, facing the ceiling instead of the floor.

After her delivery, I was incredibly swollen in all my bits, front to back. I had a hemorrhoid that I swear was the size of a fist. I don’t know if it was actually that big, but it certainly felt that way.

A friend (who remains childless) came to visit me when Monkey was about a week old. She asked how things were “down there”. I said most things “down there” felt just fine, but I was still afraid of my ass. She gave me a quizzical look. “What do you mean?” I explained how the anal passage and the vagina were aligned and how the pushing out of one could affect the other. She seemed quite horrified.

I myself think it’s rather poor design.

Bun came out the right way and after only about 30 minutes of pushing. Although I had hemorrhoids afterwards, they quickly retreated due to lots of liquids and a couple doses of stool softener.

But now they’ve come back. Intermittently since Bun was born. My current course of affliction has been going on about two weeks now.

So far my line of attack has been along natural avenues. The aforementioned whole grains, bran cereals and lots and lots of H2O. When things feel painful or there is some bleeding, I use witch hazel (cheaper than Tucks). I could start a fiber supplement. If things don’t get better soon, I may turn to stool softeners and (with the okay from my midwife) Preparation H. I need some relief. Bun is nine weeks old, now. Shouldn’t I be getting some relief?

I don’t want to go see a doctor about them. The last time I did that, I ended up undergoing a procedure called a flexible sigmoidoscopy. Before this procedure I had to give myself an enema. Two enemas. I mean, putting a suppository in is humiliating enough, ever given yourself an enema? Unpleasant to say the least. And hard to do, frankly. And then the further mortification of having a guy stick something up your colon to about your kidneys looking for serious problems.

It’s just too humiliating to be borne again. I’m just going to wait them out. Someday, my ass will go back to normal. Right?