Who am I again?

Two posts, two titles that are questions. Just noticing.

The discussion (read: fight) last night with DearDR is about how I treat him, how I address him. I guess I asked him to do one thing too many, and the proverbial straw was asking him to pick up our toy and book strewn living room. Which I did a while later, and it took me all of five minutes. Digressing.

As in many marriages, especially in many marriages after the arrival of a new baby, the sex life at this time could be called non-existant. I have no desire for sex. As I said last night to DearDR, the only thing I want these days is more sleep.

While it is true that sex in any form hasn’t happened in quite some time (I think New Year’s Day, maybe, was the last time?), also missing is intimacy. We don’t cuddle. We don’t hold hands. The goodbye and hello kisses performed at the front door seem perfunctory. Hell, we don’t even talk all that much.

My husband is engaged in studying for his licensing exam — he is going to be a clinical psychologist. I can still call him doctor in all fairness because he has his Ph.D. But we can’t call him a psychologist until the license is earned. Most days of the week, he spends about three hours in his studies. Usually on the couch in our living room. (To his credit, he is studying. I am usually around these days, nursing beside him quite a bit of the time.) Anyway, his exam date is April 27. He works part-time as a therapist, usually from 2 p.m. until 8 or 9 p.m.; he is off on Fridays, and on Saturdays he works most mornings, from 9 a.m. to 1 or 2 p.m.

When he is studying, I do not interrupt him. I bring him a cup of coffee if he wants, but I do not ask for anything from him for these three hours. It’s verboten, and I respect that. To say my husband is easily distractable would be an understatement. DearDR could be the poster boy for adult ADHD.

Story to illustrate my point: One day we were driving down to the Strip District. DearDR was lamenting his inability to focus on anything for any period of time. We had been talking about this failing of his for a good five or ten minutes. As we pulled up to a red light, DearDR interrupted himself, saying, “Oh, look a train!” We both watched a train on the overpass above us. After the light turned green, we made our turn. After a moment, DearDR said, “What were we talking about again?”

Anyhoo, here is my schedule: The first feeding of the day is usually around 8 a.m. (DearDR, to his credit, gets Monkey out of bed, changes and dresses her, and gets her to her daycare. He usually starts studying around 9 a.m.) After that morning feeding, I have breakfast, coffee, and so on. If Bun will sleep peacefully in her bassinet, I will let her until her next feeding around 11 a.m. (you know the drill). After her 2 or 3 p.m. feeding, we take a nap together. At 5 p.m., Monkey gets dropped off, by the in-laws. Some nights we all have dinner at the in-laws house (which is right next door); some night I have both Monkey and the Bun and I am by myself trying to get dinner, feed Bun, bathe Monkey and get her to bed. Some nights, 5 to 8 p.m. is brutal. I always feel like someone is not getting what she needs. Sometimes she is me.

Now a word from our sponsor: I’m sorry, this post is rambling, and go on much too long. The upshot is: Who the hell am I and what happened to my sex drive? I used to have a healthy libido. nay, more than healthy. DearDR and I used to be well matched in the bedroom.

But five years and two kids later, we have become the cliched couple, him wanting it and me, decidedly now especially, not.

And I hate it and I don’t know what to do.

And I have to go now.